Well hello there!
It's 3am on a friday morning and my iPod crashes. Just another thing I need to add to the list of things in my life that need fixing.
It's been a VERY long couple of weeks, mainly consisting of me messing up most opportunities that seem to head my way. I left the "Starnow" website due to money problems, which is a bonus on the money saving aspect, but a bit of a downer that I have to give up something I quite like because I don't have any money. My mum, my friends, medical professionals and the internet are all telling me I just need to chill, but that is so much easier said than done!
Since when my social life become so stressful?!?!?!
Yes I know there are worse things going on this world: world hunger, wars etc. But you have think, I'm not heavily involved in them so I choose to focus on the things that are actually happening to me, like a lack of money, over-sleeping to the extent that I'm getting awfully close to missing lectures, juggling drama and work, which I can do and struggling so much that I feel like a burden on anyone I tell, because I know I'm just annoying them. Is it so much to ask for a break? A few days when I don't have to worry about money, sleep, work? I love my friends and I could never just walk out on them so that's out of the question. Money is so influential in people's lives so that is something I can't mess with. And I can do something about this sleep thing, I just need to find enough free time to sleep, plus have time to slide in a bit of shorthand.
I should really stop complaining about my life, my mate's all tell me to man up and deal with life. I should probably listen. I do listen to it, and it works for a little while, then a metaphorical "landmine" hits and screws everything up and takes me back to square one, hence the blog at 3am....
Some people recently have said somethings to me that filled me with such confidence that I wanted to scream to the heavens that I can do it! They know who they are and thank you. I felt so happy, and to be honest, who doesn't love being complimented. I'm not an attention seeker. I may seem like it with all the complaining I do......
But do stop and think that I may be asking you for help but too scared to actually ask?
H.x
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Sunday, 12 February 2012
And there's the ephipany.....
Life has a funny way of doing things. Life has a funny way of proving things to yourself that you should have known all along. Life has taught me a valuable lesson....
....through "The Inbetweeners Movie"
Yeah I know, weird isn't it?
For those who don't know the plot line (if there is one), it's about 4 english schoolboys who head on a lad's holiday to Greece. Not to put a spoiler on it, but they all get their prospective girls. So happy endings all round. However, one character has me stuck to this film. No it's not Simon (although he is adorable!!) it's Jane. She's the "larger-than-life" character thats ends up with Jay. Now I know that the descripton I used of her probably isn't very nice, but it's not her looks I am describing, it's her personality. She is not the stereotypical woman you would expect to see in a film like this, as she is not as thin as her other friends in this film. But that's the connection between me and her. I consider myself big. My friends constantly say otherwise about me, and I love them for thinking that, but I consider myself big.
Jane throughout the film is badgered by men about her weight. She is called a whale by some very insensitive people, and has all the fat jokes thrown her way. I wouldn't say I get that (well not often anyway) but she deals with them with such attitude that I can only find myself very very VERY much in awe. She amazes me with her repsonses and her "larger-than-life" way of dealing wth them. She pokes fun of herself when others try, finishes their insults off, which rightly pisses them off big time. To basically some it up: She is a legend!
I love her sarcastic attitude towards rude men. She's not afraid to say how she feels and I envy her. Plus, she is confident in her own skin. At one point she is seen in a bikini top and shaul, and in another she is in a bra and knckers running to the ocean. She doesn't care what others think of her, and it amazes me.
And that's when the ephipany happened, as the credits were rolling. I suddently thought "I need to be more like her. I need to take my size as a good thing. There are men out there who would love a woman with curves like mine, men who would love someone to snuggle up against them who loves who they are. Woman who would kill to look as natural as I am." And then it hit me: It's true. I mean i'm not going to start walking round in my bra, or wear a bikini top yet, i'm not that confident, but I can start feeling good about myself. Stop worrying about how much I eat and what others think of me as I eat. I am my own person and if someone doesn't like me for the way I look, well it's their loss.
After all, there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to have the confidence to get out there and fnd them your own way, not by ways others tell you. If a guy likes you for the way you look then don't be afraid to be the whole of yourself, don't hide a part of you away.
I have loved and lost in the past due to my lack of confidence in the way I look and the way I feel about the way I look. But now I am a whole new person. A bigger, better, brighter person.
And thank you Jay. You may be a fictional character but you make us big girls feel beautiful!
H. x
....through "The Inbetweeners Movie"
Yeah I know, weird isn't it?
For those who don't know the plot line (if there is one), it's about 4 english schoolboys who head on a lad's holiday to Greece. Not to put a spoiler on it, but they all get their prospective girls. So happy endings all round. However, one character has me stuck to this film. No it's not Simon (although he is adorable!!) it's Jane. She's the "larger-than-life" character thats ends up with Jay. Now I know that the descripton I used of her probably isn't very nice, but it's not her looks I am describing, it's her personality. She is not the stereotypical woman you would expect to see in a film like this, as she is not as thin as her other friends in this film. But that's the connection between me and her. I consider myself big. My friends constantly say otherwise about me, and I love them for thinking that, but I consider myself big.
Jane throughout the film is badgered by men about her weight. She is called a whale by some very insensitive people, and has all the fat jokes thrown her way. I wouldn't say I get that (well not often anyway) but she deals with them with such attitude that I can only find myself very very VERY much in awe. She amazes me with her repsonses and her "larger-than-life" way of dealing wth them. She pokes fun of herself when others try, finishes their insults off, which rightly pisses them off big time. To basically some it up: She is a legend!
I love her sarcastic attitude towards rude men. She's not afraid to say how she feels and I envy her. Plus, she is confident in her own skin. At one point she is seen in a bikini top and shaul, and in another she is in a bra and knckers running to the ocean. She doesn't care what others think of her, and it amazes me.
And that's when the ephipany happened, as the credits were rolling. I suddently thought "I need to be more like her. I need to take my size as a good thing. There are men out there who would love a woman with curves like mine, men who would love someone to snuggle up against them who loves who they are. Woman who would kill to look as natural as I am." And then it hit me: It's true. I mean i'm not going to start walking round in my bra, or wear a bikini top yet, i'm not that confident, but I can start feeling good about myself. Stop worrying about how much I eat and what others think of me as I eat. I am my own person and if someone doesn't like me for the way I look, well it's their loss.
After all, there is someone out there for everyone, you just have to have the confidence to get out there and fnd them your own way, not by ways others tell you. If a guy likes you for the way you look then don't be afraid to be the whole of yourself, don't hide a part of you away.
I have loved and lost in the past due to my lack of confidence in the way I look and the way I feel about the way I look. But now I am a whole new person. A bigger, better, brighter person.
And thank you Jay. You may be a fictional character but you make us big girls feel beautiful!
H. x
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Reality TV can eat my shorts!
I don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i'm from Essex. That's right, Essex.
This does not mean I am from "The Only Way Is Essex"
I hate being compared to that show. It's TV gone mad!! I do not have a fake tan, hair extensions and go around saying "shut up!" elongating every syllable!
And that's the same for every other "reality" TV program. I use this term loosely, but since when is reality being locked in a house full of cameras for 6 weeks? It's insane that something so silly has taken over our entire lives. We hold off on going to places because this rubbish is being broadcast to the world. What other countries film their citizens live and stream it to the world? Other than America (there ones in all fairness are hilarious seeming as they are so outlandish) no other country protrays their people like we do. It's, and I know this is harsh, it is humiliating.
Everytime I go out, or even mention that I'm from Essex, I get questions thrown at me left, right and centre about if i've ever met the cast, do I hang out with them. The most idiotic question i've been asked, and bear in mind that I told this person that I know no-one from TOWIE before they had even asked the question, was "What's Amy Childs like away from the camera?"
I walked away from that in a fit of anger.
I'm more of a fiction program person myself. I love a good murder program like "Murdoch Mysteries" or maybe science fiction programs or documentaries, but if you shove reality television in my face, I will shove a fist back into yours.
After all, I have enough reality to deal with during the day, why would I want to have to deal with while i'm watching TV relaxing?
H.x
This does not mean I am from "The Only Way Is Essex"
I hate being compared to that show. It's TV gone mad!! I do not have a fake tan, hair extensions and go around saying "shut up!" elongating every syllable!
And that's the same for every other "reality" TV program. I use this term loosely, but since when is reality being locked in a house full of cameras for 6 weeks? It's insane that something so silly has taken over our entire lives. We hold off on going to places because this rubbish is being broadcast to the world. What other countries film their citizens live and stream it to the world? Other than America (there ones in all fairness are hilarious seeming as they are so outlandish) no other country protrays their people like we do. It's, and I know this is harsh, it is humiliating.
Everytime I go out, or even mention that I'm from Essex, I get questions thrown at me left, right and centre about if i've ever met the cast, do I hang out with them. The most idiotic question i've been asked, and bear in mind that I told this person that I know no-one from TOWIE before they had even asked the question, was "What's Amy Childs like away from the camera?"
I walked away from that in a fit of anger.
I'm more of a fiction program person myself. I love a good murder program like "Murdoch Mysteries" or maybe science fiction programs or documentaries, but if you shove reality television in my face, I will shove a fist back into yours.
After all, I have enough reality to deal with during the day, why would I want to have to deal with while i'm watching TV relaxing?
H.x
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Do I look like a fool?......don't answer that.....
Sorry for the delay in blog posts. In all honestly, nothing worth while has happened to write about, and I'm not going to write about boring stuff, where's the fun in that??
However, yesterday was an interesting day. A day that should mean quite a lot considering where it will lead. Me and some friends went house-hunting for the first time. This was an interesting experience, seeming as a so-called "top notch expert in student housing" were probably the weirdest and rudest people I have ever met.
Not only did they consider us silly in the fact that we nearly missed the deadline for 4-bedroom housing (they assumed we knew all the dates that they were selling the houses, because of all the advertisements....there were none) but as soon as we said we had found somewhere that had loads of 4-bedroom places to rent, they proceeded to try and win us back by saying that more places will show up and that we should stay with them when it comes to getting new housing for next year as they are the best. I'm sorry but since when do me and my other friends look like idiots?!?
Later today I've got plans! I'm heading out with some of my Drama society buddies for dinner and lots of pool/snooker. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I've been feeling unusually down recently and I enjoy all company I keep. If my mates are reading this, all of them, I just want to say a massive thank you to you all. I may seem down a lot recently and not my usual self, but I love the fact that you have stuck with me all this time. I applaud you!
I hear you asking "Have we missed much since you last did a blog post?" If you haven't asked that question, well that's just rude. I've started lectures again, and my tuesday lessons are probably designed to make me hate university, but to also test me and my stamina, because I have a 9-5pm day, and it.is.knackering! One lesson: "Rights, Rules and Reality" is without a doubt, one of the dullest lessons ever. Me and my mates have come to the conclusion that those lessons are as exciting as my foot!
But in all honestly, that's all you've missed. My life is pretty darn boring at this point...
H. x
However, yesterday was an interesting day. A day that should mean quite a lot considering where it will lead. Me and some friends went house-hunting for the first time. This was an interesting experience, seeming as a so-called "top notch expert in student housing" were probably the weirdest and rudest people I have ever met.
Not only did they consider us silly in the fact that we nearly missed the deadline for 4-bedroom housing (they assumed we knew all the dates that they were selling the houses, because of all the advertisements....there were none) but as soon as we said we had found somewhere that had loads of 4-bedroom places to rent, they proceeded to try and win us back by saying that more places will show up and that we should stay with them when it comes to getting new housing for next year as they are the best. I'm sorry but since when do me and my other friends look like idiots?!?
Later today I've got plans! I'm heading out with some of my Drama society buddies for dinner and lots of pool/snooker. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I've been feeling unusually down recently and I enjoy all company I keep. If my mates are reading this, all of them, I just want to say a massive thank you to you all. I may seem down a lot recently and not my usual self, but I love the fact that you have stuck with me all this time. I applaud you!
I hear you asking "Have we missed much since you last did a blog post?" If you haven't asked that question, well that's just rude. I've started lectures again, and my tuesday lessons are probably designed to make me hate university, but to also test me and my stamina, because I have a 9-5pm day, and it.is.knackering! One lesson: "Rights, Rules and Reality" is without a doubt, one of the dullest lessons ever. Me and my mates have come to the conclusion that those lessons are as exciting as my foot!
But in all honestly, that's all you've missed. My life is pretty darn boring at this point...
H. x
Monday, 16 January 2012
Birthdays....who knew?
So it was my birthday a couple of days ago...YAY!!!
I love birthdays. Doesn't matter if it is my own birthday or someone else's, I love them! I love making the day special for someone. Hence why when I get a boyfriend (the day will come!) he will have the best day ever as I would plan everything to be perfect for him!
This was my first birthday away from the parents, so naturally it was going to be a tough one. After an 11am skype chat with mum and dad, plus a virtual lick on the nose from my dog Daisy (She leapt at the screen when seeing my enlarged head and thought "Yeah I'm gonna lick her face!") I was left to my own devices. This involved crying from homesickness and the lovely card from my mum and dad, eating and watching a DVD. What didn't help the homesickness but beats a card anyday was a phonecall from my brother. This is a rare occasion, so it must be treasured. It was lovely to hear from him and that he also was having a good birthday. For you see I am in fact a twin.....
When I tell people this they automatically assume that me and my brother share mental thoughts, and that when one of us feels pain so does the other. This is NOT TRUE! To be honest, i'm the one usually hitting him so why would I want to hurt myself as well?....
....I'm kidding!
So after a lovely meal with my 3 coursemates at Frankie and Benny's, followed by being sung at by the staff (including some very hot waiters) I went back home, where the homesickness kicked in again. I tell you, don't be alone when homesick, it doesn't help!
And I speak in experience at spending my first 2 weeks at uni crying for at least an hour and yelping down the phone to my mother "please take me home I beg of you!!" followed by some very good persuading from my mum that it will all work out soon!
However, this disappeared when I visited my friend across the road. She was giving me my birthday present, a Merlin magazine (OMGOMG SO HAPPY!!!) and some alcohol. I ended up spending the whole nght round their house and having a great time, including watching "Anchorman" for the first time (I highly recommend) and what I can only name as "The battle of MarioKart!"
It was epic!
H. x
I love birthdays. Doesn't matter if it is my own birthday or someone else's, I love them! I love making the day special for someone. Hence why when I get a boyfriend (the day will come!) he will have the best day ever as I would plan everything to be perfect for him!
This was my first birthday away from the parents, so naturally it was going to be a tough one. After an 11am skype chat with mum and dad, plus a virtual lick on the nose from my dog Daisy (She leapt at the screen when seeing my enlarged head and thought "Yeah I'm gonna lick her face!") I was left to my own devices. This involved crying from homesickness and the lovely card from my mum and dad, eating and watching a DVD. What didn't help the homesickness but beats a card anyday was a phonecall from my brother. This is a rare occasion, so it must be treasured. It was lovely to hear from him and that he also was having a good birthday. For you see I am in fact a twin.....
When I tell people this they automatically assume that me and my brother share mental thoughts, and that when one of us feels pain so does the other. This is NOT TRUE! To be honest, i'm the one usually hitting him so why would I want to hurt myself as well?....
....I'm kidding!
So after a lovely meal with my 3 coursemates at Frankie and Benny's, followed by being sung at by the staff (including some very hot waiters) I went back home, where the homesickness kicked in again. I tell you, don't be alone when homesick, it doesn't help!
And I speak in experience at spending my first 2 weeks at uni crying for at least an hour and yelping down the phone to my mother "please take me home I beg of you!!" followed by some very good persuading from my mum that it will all work out soon!
However, this disappeared when I visited my friend across the road. She was giving me my birthday present, a Merlin magazine (OMGOMG SO HAPPY!!!) and some alcohol. I ended up spending the whole nght round their house and having a great time, including watching "Anchorman" for the first time (I highly recommend) and what I can only name as "The battle of MarioKart!"
It was epic!
H. x
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Stoke-On-Trent: The first stop on the way to TinselTown!
You'll never guess what I've gone and done...I've signed up for an acting website!
What was I thinking? I mean I love acting (I'm part of my uni drama society so the love for it has increased) but this is taking it to a WHOLE new level. Part of me is really excited, part of me is terrified! I've paid for 6 months membership, so if I haven't had any jobs in that time I'm leaving it, but a friend of mine has been on that website for a little while and he's had tons of acting jobs in that time. I think I'm going to get my money's worth....
I've been on this acting website for 1 hour and I've already signed up for my first role. No idea if i'll get it but it's worth a try. Sounds like a good role as well. I would say it will add to my ranges that I can do, but this would be my first role outside of Drama society so I don't really have a range to speak of....
What if I actually get this role? It's local thank goodness but what if I actually get it? To me it means that the casting director, or the person looking at the applications genuinely believes I have what it takes to act this role. That's A LOT of pressure! I need to just keep telling myself that I can do it. But what if I don't get the role? To be honest I applied for that role on a complete fluke so I won't be surprised if I don't get it, but I will be a bit disspointed if I don't....surprisingly....
What was I thinking? I mean I love acting (I'm part of my uni drama society so the love for it has increased) but this is taking it to a WHOLE new level. Part of me is really excited, part of me is terrified! I've paid for 6 months membership, so if I haven't had any jobs in that time I'm leaving it, but a friend of mine has been on that website for a little while and he's had tons of acting jobs in that time. I think I'm going to get my money's worth....
I've been on this acting website for 1 hour and I've already signed up for my first role. No idea if i'll get it but it's worth a try. Sounds like a good role as well. I would say it will add to my ranges that I can do, but this would be my first role outside of Drama society so I don't really have a range to speak of....
What if I actually get this role? It's local thank goodness but what if I actually get it? To me it means that the casting director, or the person looking at the applications genuinely believes I have what it takes to act this role. That's A LOT of pressure! I need to just keep telling myself that I can do it. But what if I don't get the role? To be honest I applied for that role on a complete fluke so I won't be surprised if I don't get it, but I will be a bit disspointed if I don't....surprisingly....
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
New Year New Me? You've got to be kidding?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Now that's out of the way I can continue. As a new year begins, so does a new year's resolution. Usually I don't bother, except for saying I'm going to try and lose some weight...
...but that never works so i don't class it as a new year's resolution...
However, as it's 2012, I figured I might give it a go! I've thought long and hard about what to do, and I have come up with what I think is quite a good one. My new year's resolution is to "take a chance"
I don't know what this "chance" is yet, probably to seize any opportunity that comes my way. I won't go to any extremes, as I discovered yesterday talking to a good friend of mine, I will not: Bungy Jump, Sky-Dive, Scube Dive (to be fair I have tried this already and failed epically) or anything to do wih heights. I am terrible with heights. Some I can handle, others I cannot.
But this got me thinking, what would I class as taking a chance or seizing an opportunity? It could be to do with my future career: if someone offers me work experience, I should take that chance to further my career. Or maybe it's with friends: maybe go out with them to do something I wouldn't normally do. Or, and it may sound cheesy, but what about in love? Maybe finally pluck up the courage to tell that special someone how much I care? However all these things require confidence. (which I have a serious lack of)
Near the end of 2011, when I started university, my new year's resolution was apparant. I needed to get myself out there if I even stood a chance of making any friends or stand out. Joining my Drama society was a chance, a pure fluke of a chance. I needed to do something and Drama peaked my interest. Because I took that chance and went for something, I have made a fantastic group of friends, people that I will be friends with probably way after university is over. And (once again, cheesiness alert) it has taught me a lot about myself: that i'm more confident than I thought, that I can get what I want if I relax a bit more AND that putting yourself out there may break your heart at first, but it can lead you to come to conclusions that you wouldn't have seen otherwise. Basically i'm saying that other than joining university, that society has been one of my best decisions I have made.
And hopefully here's to a whole lot more!
H. x
Now that's out of the way I can continue. As a new year begins, so does a new year's resolution. Usually I don't bother, except for saying I'm going to try and lose some weight...
...but that never works so i don't class it as a new year's resolution...
However, as it's 2012, I figured I might give it a go! I've thought long and hard about what to do, and I have come up with what I think is quite a good one. My new year's resolution is to "take a chance"
I don't know what this "chance" is yet, probably to seize any opportunity that comes my way. I won't go to any extremes, as I discovered yesterday talking to a good friend of mine, I will not: Bungy Jump, Sky-Dive, Scube Dive (to be fair I have tried this already and failed epically) or anything to do wih heights. I am terrible with heights. Some I can handle, others I cannot.
But this got me thinking, what would I class as taking a chance or seizing an opportunity? It could be to do with my future career: if someone offers me work experience, I should take that chance to further my career. Or maybe it's with friends: maybe go out with them to do something I wouldn't normally do. Or, and it may sound cheesy, but what about in love? Maybe finally pluck up the courage to tell that special someone how much I care? However all these things require confidence. (which I have a serious lack of)
Near the end of 2011, when I started university, my new year's resolution was apparant. I needed to get myself out there if I even stood a chance of making any friends or stand out. Joining my Drama society was a chance, a pure fluke of a chance. I needed to do something and Drama peaked my interest. Because I took that chance and went for something, I have made a fantastic group of friends, people that I will be friends with probably way after university is over. And (once again, cheesiness alert) it has taught me a lot about myself: that i'm more confident than I thought, that I can get what I want if I relax a bit more AND that putting yourself out there may break your heart at first, but it can lead you to come to conclusions that you wouldn't have seen otherwise. Basically i'm saying that other than joining university, that society has been one of my best decisions I have made.
And hopefully here's to a whole lot more!
H. x
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